I had a conversation with my brother today. Actually, it became a conversation, after beginning as a semi-contained shouting match. He had the right to confront me on some things I had written, and I had the right to respond. Ultimately, I'm glad we talked. I think we both finally said things (I, especially) that should have been said for years. I hope this is a turning point.
The sorry fact is that my brother and I have never communicated well. Shit, we both agreed that my entire family doesn't communicate well... or at all, for that matter. And when you build years of history onto an absence of communication, misperceptions and misunderstandings seem inevitable. Both my brother and I had held onto ideas about each other that are not true; or, if they were true at one point, are no longer. I wrote some things that were both miscommunicated on my end and misunderstood on his end, and it built up for a few days before finally exploding over the phone.
He asked that I remove certain posts from my blog (for very good reason... I am too often thoughtless in my ways), but I have decided to remove them all. Some people don't like this practice, but I do, actually. I won't miss my previous posts. Truth be told, I probably don't even know what I've written. To me, this is symbolic. It says that nothing I have written in the past is more important to me than what I can obtain in the future. I will not sacrifice reconciliation with my brother to maintain words that, more often than not, were written the instant I thought them. I want to start this blog anew. I want to commence (again) with my refreshed perspective.
The other night, I mentioned to a good friend that I had received some upsetting comments on this blog (though didn't offer details), and she asked why I enjoy blogging in the first place. She didn't like the idea of her private thoughts being cast out into the Web. I didn't really know how to answer her. I agree it doesn't make much sense. Why, if I struggle so much to open up to people, would I do it through a medium that anyone can read, in the most public forum available? I really don't know. Why does anyone? This type of blog may be more popular than the "real" type -- a log of websites (thus "weblog," and then "blog") about a certain topic. Look at most Blogger sites, or Xanga sites, or MySpace sites, or what have you, and you see, by and large, public diaries disguised as blogs. Why do we do this? Perhaps we find it cathartic, to a degree. Perhaps it's a means of fooling ourselves into thinking we're "connecting." What I can't tell my friends, I tell a blog. Makes no sense.
It's humbling when you're asked to account for your behavior, and you're not sure you can. The more I reflect on it, the more I agree that I needed a dose of humility. Even as I am the first to beat on myself, the first to be eternally hard on myself, the first to criticize or undervalue my abilities and contributions, I am also, I'm sure, plagued by an inflated self-image, paradoxically. But I think it's really more of a self-defense maneuver, a way to remain guarded, self-preservation. That doesn't excuse it, but it may explain it.
I don't know how many people have taken exception to what I say or write. I don't know how many people I've hurt by isolating myself or speaking (or writing) reactively, rather than thoughtfully. All I can say is that I'm sorry. Deep down, what I want, is to help people, to develop good relationships, to give of myself. But wanting and doing are two very different things. So I'm taking this opportunity to try moving forward, not forgetting the past, but re-evaluating its impact on the present. I am not above admitting my wrongs and asking for others to forgive me. I am not above addressing parts of myself that I need to better. I would hope none of us are.
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